take a look inside my mind
I am a person who wants a place to document some of the thoughts I won't share with the people I know in real life. I lose diaries and don't want to take up computer memory for this shit, so I'm blogging it. I've got issues with self-esteem, depression, anxiety, body image, blah blah blah. I may talk about unhealthy coping stuff and eating patterns, but I don't endorse these things. THIS MEANS STUFF HERE MAY BE TRIGGERING.

I am going to take CB texting me “Hi” out of nowhere as a sign that he has been thinking about me, too.

Because lately I have been thinking about him as a way to distract myself from unpleasant thoughts or situations and that makes me feel like…too invested or something. So at least he is at least somewhat invested as well.

Apparently I still need to talk out my thoughts on what is going on with me and this guy I’ve been seeing. And since this is the blog where I’ve done the most talking about my (usually nonexistent) dating life, I might as well do it here. This post is going to be long and rambling and basically word vomit.

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clumsyoctopus:

life rules

- you are never as awkward as you think you are
- you are never as annoying as you think you are
- you are never as boring as you think you are
- your compliments are never as creepy as you think they are 
- you are way more wanted than you give yourself credit for
- chin up, dude

My resolve Saturday and haven’t told anyone about it.

I thought I was feeling better today - insecure and still fragile, but better.

Only now I really need reassurance that I am a lovable person. I tried thinking about all of the people who I know care about me, but tears just keep coming. It isn’t crying-crying or anything, it feel more like leaking honestly.

But yeah I can’t get in touch with the two people I’m comfortable calling and telling I just need someone to tell me nice things about myself because I lack the ability to feel ok about myself without external validation.

I’m starting to wonder if maybe one of my best friends would benefit from being in a more intensive kind of mental health treatment than once a week therapy and taking medication.

She has been doing really poorly for awhile. I don’t really think she is going to hurt herself in a dangerous way, but it doesn’t mean that she suffering terribly. I worry a lot. It hurts me that she is miserable so much of the time. I get now why my mom gets so worried when I matter-of-factly talk about how miserable I expect I will be at school.

I am now crashing post fun-weekend-I’ve-looked-forward-to-all-year.

It and hormones are messing with my reaction to the cute guy I met yesterday at a party for a friend of a friend (who I’ve actually known since the 1st grade and always liked, but was never directly friends with).

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I had a great stretch of feeling fine for awhile there.

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Trying not to be pessimistic is hard.

Sometimes I wonder if I should done my undergrad somewhere else, but then I remind myself that I met two of the best people I could ever meet while I was there. I met a friend who understands me better than just about anyone and a professor who was kind enough to act as an adviser and therapist for me, even though he was neither of those things.

I’m still in touch with my friend and talk to her often, because it isn’t weird to do that when you are friends and peers. But I am falling out of touch with my favorite professor because I don’t know how to maintain that relationship now that I am not a student. I really wish that I could take him with me to graduate school so that I could go into his office, talk things out, and feel validated in my choices and also like maybe I am smart and capable of good things after all.

I realize that I sort of quit updating this blog at a point where I was not doing very well.

I have a therapist I like right now and I think being out of school has been good for me. I am pushing myself at a job that is not really suited to me and feel like a grown up for that. I have a driver’s license and will be starting grad school in early September.

I’ve had struggles and stuff, but I’ve been talking about them elsewhere. Perhaps I will go back to this one once I’m back in school.